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The real inconvenient truth

April 23, 2013

Published here on April 16, 2013

Nature has broken me, and I have been forced to reverse my position on big government. I’m asking that our federal administration regulate the heck out of carbon emissions to solve the greatest problem known to mankind: the inchworms.

We at N.C. State are under attack. Students are especially susceptible beneath trees or when walking down sidewalks between campus and Cameron Village. If you’ve had the unfortunate experience of swatting a tickle on your shoulder and returning with green streaks on your hand, you know what I’m talking about. They’re everywhere.

These wiggling blobs of goo swing stealthily from tree branches, telephone wires, signposts and every other hanging object. Silently sitting at the ends of their solitary webbed strings, the worms wait, seeking to prey on helpless students. Herbivores? Yeah, right. I think they’re the next evolutionary stage of flesh-eating MRSA.

Technically called cankerworms, these ugly creatures even sound disgusting. As the News & Observer reported last year, people can often literally hear the worms eating in their backyards. Know what that sound really is? “Caterpillar poop falling to the ground,” the N&O says.

Back to big government and why we need its sweeping hand of increased regulation. According to the News & Observer, warmer winters are causing the booming worm population. Cankerworms lay their eggs in the fall, and typically, most of these eggs are destroyed by the cold temperatures of winter. However, with the increasingly mild winters we’ve been having, more and more of the eggs are surviving. Come spring, these eggs hatch — and bam! There are inchworms everywhere.

Yes, dear readers, global warming has allowed nature to launch an invasion. I can only assume our planet is tired of the greenhouse gas abuse and has decided to retaliate. And retaliate it did — in the worst way possible: fat slugs dangling from thin air. I can’t imagine a more terrifying enemy.

With that said, I urge you to turn off all electronic devices. Sell your cars. Buy everything secondhand. Greenpeace only needs to rebrand itself as “Students Against Inchworms,” and its membership count will skyrocket.

I absolutely hate the idea of increasing governmental regulation, but if this is what it takes, I urge President Barack Obama and the Environmental Protection Agency to enforce severe limits on greenhouse gas emissions. We must act now. If we wait any longer, we may end up like the artilleryman from H.G. Well’s War of the Worlds, who bluntly described the Martian attack: “It never was a war, any more than there’s war between man and ants.”

Al Gore’s inconvenient truth is now far more inconvenient that we ever imagined.

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