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Who Run the World? Girl (Scout)s

November 19, 2012

Published here on November 13, 2012

According to an article on TIME magazine’s website, Girl Scouts are selling more and more cookies thanks to social media. Forget the election results. Our country is on its way to doomsday because now there’s no escape!

I already couldn’t resist the pleas at the grocery store fronts, shouting happily to all humankind to come and buy their incredibly unhealthy treats. They don’t even have to speak. A little girl standing there has nothing to do but stick out her bottom lip, and look longingly upwards at me with her outstretched palm. The money flies out of my pockets. A three-week-old puppy couldn’t do it better.

People jokingly predict that cats will overtake the world someday. No, it will be Girl Scouts. And now that they’ve thrust their masterfully connived innocence online, the rest of humankind has no chance. There will no longer be anything in our pantries other than Girl Scout cookies. Our food pyramid will consist of Samoas and Thin Mints. All of our newspapers and magazines will be gobbled up by the recycling plants, in order to make those multicolored cardboard boxes that will house all of our nutrition (if you can call anything in those cookies nutritious).

There is quite a bit of hate out there towards Girl Scouts. I read a blog post entitled “Four Reasons to Hate Girl Scouts.” Not the cookies, the organization behind the cookies. Apparently they employ ruthless sales tactics and pricing scams. The author also complained that the girls typically set up in very public places that were “unavoidable.” Those sneaky girls. You think they would have the common decency to set up shop at the grocery store loading docks and not the front entrances.

You can see why we’re all inevitably going down in flames. These girls are using their heads to come up with unbelievably effective sales tactics. I mean, appealing to a broad base of customers and creating a quality product? That’s shockingly good. That’s too good.

The point of the whole Girl Scout cookie process is to teach girls business, money and people skills. It’s absolutely insane to think you can make it in today’s business world without social media. Adaptability is one of the essential qualities of an entrepreneur and these girls are employing that trait with flying colors.

This organization’s “cookies” have been around for almost 100 years. As we all know, the best organizations have been here for less than 20 years (Facebook, Google, Toms). One of the longest standing organizations ever is Congress, and look at how unsuccessful it is. Clearly longevity is a sure sign of failure.

But Girl Scout cookies are more popular than ever. The Illuminati must be helping them.

These girls are demonstrating frighteningly good business sense, and I refuse to follow anyone on Twitter remotely connected to a Girl Scout. If I do, my personal Twitter feed will consist of nothing but me eating an endless stream of cookies.

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